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Ascendance, A Romance (Part 4) [This completes the story of Ishmael’s journey of self-discovery. It will make more sense if you read parts 1 and 2.] I got home shortly after noon. Snapshots of all the things that happened last night kept flashing through my brain like a high-speed slideshow, with a still image of Julie’s face staring down at me with a mixture of triumph and contempt popping up every few seconds like a refrain. My head was spinning so badly I had to lie down on the couch. What had happened to me? What had I become? Or what was I all along without knowing? But I didn’t want to think about any of it right now. I got up and shut off my phone and my laptop. I didn’t want phone calls, texts or emails. I had to hide somewhere, to get lost. And every time I moved I felt the butt plug. It was a constant reminder of last night. Was it also a portent of the future? I wanted to pull it out and smash it in a million pieces. But Mona told me to keep it in so I did. I couldn’t think about last night because I had to think of the future. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just go on and pretend that nothing happened. I knew that I never wanted to see Julie again. Obviously, I had to get another job. I should move to a different city. How could I ever face her? But I had to face her. Even if I wanted to quit I’d have to give a few week’s notice. Besides, you can’t just up and leave if your bank account is as pathetic as mine. Maybe I should look for another job in the company? But that takes time, too. I was pacing around the apartment, going from room to room, which isn’t very satisfying when you only have three rooms. I decided to turn my mind off for the rest of the day. I started downing beers and watching the Godfather trilogy. By the time I finished and moved on to the Indiana Jones movies I was pretty soused. I switched to Scotch and had a joint on the side. I fell asleep on the couch and slept there through the night; dreams and memories took some time off and gave me a break. Sunday morning I was up early, groggy but hangover free. I went out and got half a dozen bagels thinking they would get me through the day. I turned on my phone and found four voice messages, all from Julie. I deleted them without listening. I turned on my laptop and logged into the office. I had Monday lunches with Julie scheduled for the next six months: I canceled them all. I sent an email to the project team saying I was sick and would miss Monday’s team meeting. I suppose I foolishly thought this would accomplish something. It seems I was far better at self-delusion than I’d ever realized. I turned off the phone and laptop again. The outside world was just going to have to stay outside. I spent the rest of the day bringing my resume up to date and searching the web for jobs in Silicon Valley and Seattle. I actually sent out a few letters. I fired up the laptop so I could look at job openings inside the company, although I considered that a last resort. I’d like to be out of there. Even the thought of seeing Julie in the cafeteria or passing her in the hall was more than I could take. Sunday night I ordered a pizza and drank myself to sleep again. Monday morning I fired up the laptop and sent an email to my team telling them I was taking the day off sick. There were two emails from Julie and three more she sent to my personal email account. I deleted them all without opening them. I turned on my phone to see if I’d gotten anything from Mona but there was nothing. Soul-destroying visions of Julie had pretty much driven Mona from my mind, but the butt plug wouldn’t let me forget about her entirely. As I reinserted the plug after showering I wondered when Mona would summon me again. There was no question in my mind that the summons would come, and no question that I would go. My cock started stirring when I thought almanbahis about it. I pictured myself in my “down” position in front of Mona and her friends and got hard as a rock. I had no choice anymore but to believe that this was who I was, but I didn’t have the courage or desire to plumb the reasons why. Yes, I’d come when Mona called. But Julie had better not be there. I’d make that absolutely clear to Mona. No Julie or there’d be no me. I spent Monday sending out job letters. I wasn’t really interested in most of the positions but I had to concentrate on something other than the submissive, humiliated slut that seemed to have been hiding deep within my conventional suburban core. By Monday night I had a few more voice messages from Julie, which I again deleted without listening to them. She sent a few emails as well but most of my new emails were work-related. I couldn’t avoid it; I had to go into the office tomorrow. I was up before the sun on Tuesday after a fitful night. After showering I squatted on the bathroom floor and lubed up my ass. My god, was I going to have to get used to greasing my own ass before letting strangers violate me? The plug slid in easily. Was my stretching advanced enough that I was ready to graduate to a thicker plug? Were these now the burning questions in my life? I was in my office at 7:30, an hour before I usually arrived. My plan was to get all my stuff and hide out in a conference room on another floor. But before I could flee Julie was in my doorway. “You have to talk to me, Ishmael,” she said. “No I don’t.” “Ishy, it’s not what you think.” “You don’t know what I think,” I said. “Just leave me alone.” And I pushed by her and was out the door before she could say anything else. I didn’t see Julie again for the rest of the day. Assorted group and one-on-one meetings left me little time for self-pitying reflection. My weakest moment came during lunch, which I ate at my desk. Looking out the window, the sharp blue sky assaulted my eyes with a clarity that hurt on too many levels. But then I went back to meetings, and emotions gave way to analyzing business issues and developing solutions that were far more certain than I was likely to be anytime soon. Julie was waiting by my car in the parking lot when I was done for the day. I unlocked the car from a distance with the key fob and didn’t even break stride as I approached the car, opened the door and got in. Julie tried to grab my arm as I went past her. “Talk to me, Ishmael. I need to talk to you. Please.” But I was already in the car and pulling away before she got the last word out. Julie stopped trying. There were no phone calls that evening and nothing the whole next day. And even though I didn’t see her I knew there was no way to avoid her completely. I still had to get another job, inside the company or out. Maybe I was refusing to think about all the implications of what had happened and my undeniable complicity in it. Maybe I did relish all the degrading acts I’d performed, maybe I even needed them, as Mona claimed. But even if I knew it I didn’t need Julie to know it. And the fact that she did and that she’d been a part of it was simply too much to bear. I was convinced that the fact of it was radiating out of my face like a flashing neon sign and soon everyone in the office would see it. Was it self-pity? Doesn’t self-pity require a foothold in self-disgust? On my way to work Thursday morning I got a call from Mona. I answered the phone: “Hello.” “Be here at 8:00 tonight. Don’t be late” and she hung up without waiting for me to respond. Was she that sure of me? If so, she was right: I would be there. My cock started to stiffen at the thought. *** The rest of the day was a blur. All I could think about was going to Mona’s and wondering what would be waiting for me there. I thought about Mona fucking almanbahis yeni giriş me the first time; how I bent over the chair and spread my ass at her command. I could feel my face flush and my cock come to attention. Over twenty years of schooling and almost another fifteen on the job, all in pursuit of worldly success and achievement, and now all I could think about was being used as a slut while other people watched and waited their turn. Yes, I was going to Mona’s. Truth be told, I was speeding on the drive there. I rang the bell and Mona’s voice came through: “It’s open.” I closed the door behind me and stood by the coat tree in the hallway. “We’re in the living room. Come in when you’re ready.” I knew what that meant. I undressed and put my clothes in the basket on the floor. I was already used to being naked in Mona’s house. I went into the living room and found Mona and Carole sitting on the couch with Julie sitting between them. “No. No,” I screamed. “I can’t do this.” I quickly covered my cock with both hands and turned to walk out. “Stay here, Ishy,” Mona said in an authoritative voice that I was powerless to resist. “Come back here. And stop covering yourself.” “What is she doing here?” “Because you wouldn’t talk to me, Ishmael,” Julie said. “But you have to because nothing is what you think.” I stood there in front of them. I was conscious of my nakedness in front of Julie, shame burning my skin. But I didn’t fight it. I’d given up. I accepted that I was now only an object to be used and degraded by the one person in the world whose respect I craved. The monsters battling inside my head sneered. I took hold of my cock and started to play with it to get hard. That’s what they’d want. I knew that. “You don’t have to do that, Ishmael,” Julie said. “I need you to listen to me. You think I find you disgusting; that all I feel for you is contempt, that all I want to do is bend you over and fuck you in the ass till it hurts. “But that’s not true. It’s just the opposite.” Julie paused and smiled broadly. “I love you, Ishy. I need you. I want us to get married.” A boxer couldn’t have hit me any harder. I couldn’t breathe and stumbled. Mona jumped up and put out her hands to steady me. “See,” Mona said. “I told you that you two were made for each other. Come on Carole, let’s give them some time alone,” Mona said, and the two of them left the room. “Come here, Ishy,” Julie said. “Kneel down by me.” “If you love me so much why I am kneeling on the floor and not sitting next to you? And why am I naked?” “Because that’s the way it’s supposed to be between us. Look, this is all pretty complicated. And I know a lot of it seems contradictory, but it really isn’t if you think about it. “I know you found out some things about yourself in the last week. And it’s scary to realize that you get aroused by being sexually humiliated. Well I found out some scary things about myself, too. “I was fed up with the macho posturing of men who come on to you like they’re doing you a favor. I’m smarter than they are and tougher than they are. And the joke is that they’re phonies. They want to be controlled and told what to do; they know it and it scares the shit out of them. So they strut around and pretend they’re studs when they’re really pussies. You think you’re pathetic but they’re the ones who are. As degrading as it may be, you’re facing who you are. You’re honest, and I like that. And I like to use you; it’s a turn-on. I want to be in control.” Julie stopped. She flipped her head slightly to get the hair off her face and brushed it behind her left ear. Then she bent forward and held my face in both hands. “Look. Watching Mona fuck you and then make you to masturbate was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. And watching you service all those women got me even wetter. And when I fucked you the first almanbahis giriş time I had the most incredible orgasm ever; I couldn’t even stand up afterward. And when I fucked you the second time and I looked into your eyes and told you to make yourself come for me, well . . . the world was whole for the very first time. And I came so hard I could have died, it was perfect. “I liked that you’d let yourself be used and exposed. And I loved being able to do that to you, to see how far you’d go for me, to see you squirm. And that’s the best part. You did it knowing it was me making you do it. You did it for me. It was fantastic precisely because we have such strong feelings for each other. It wouldn’t have been nearly as satisfying if you were just some anonymous guy. “I know you did it because you need it, even if you hate that that’s so. And I know it was even harder because it was me. But the bottom line is that you need to do it, and I need to make you do it. That’s when I knew how much I loved you.” “But it’s sick,” I said. “It’s distorted and wrong.” I turned my face away and started to cry. “No Ishy,” she said. “No, it’s not. Is it really that different from the woman who only wants to be fucked from behind while her lover calls her a whore? Or the guy who wants to be spanked? Or the woman who wants to role-play being raped? It’s just people letting go so they can be who they really are. Nobody’s getting hurt, just incredibly turned on.” Julie smiled and brushed my tears away. “Ishy, I do love you. I think I knew that even before all this. But now it’s perfect, it’s complete. Life outside in the world will be great, better than ever. We make a great team ay work. We have so much in common. And we’re equals in so many ways. And now behind closed doors our real sexual selves can come out. What could be better?” Julie bent over and kissed me on the lips, slowly and tenderly. “Let’s get married, Ishy. We’ll have a storybook life.” “Even with me naked with a butt plug up my ass?” “Exactly because of that.” My head was swimming. What was happening? What Julie was saying was nothing short of bizarre but it had a certain insane logic to it. My dick stirred and at that moment all I wanted was for her to touch it. “The edge is important here; you need to remember that,” she said. “I love you but I have to push you. I’m going to have to learn how to do that but Mona can show me.” “What?” “Mona is going to keep playing with you. I’ll join in most of the time. But it’s up to me to obliterate the boundaries, to see how far you’ll go for me.” “Jesus fucking Christ. There can’t be any boundaries left.” “There’s always another boundary, Ishy.” Julie knelt down and wrapped her arms around me. She brushed my hair and gently kissed me on the forehead. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. A minute, five minutes, ten. I actually felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t noticed Mona come back. I wondered how long she’d been there. “You still have the butt plug in, don’t you Ishy?” Mona asked. “Yes.” Mona looked over at Julie with a barely perceptible nod. “Down, Ishy,” Julie said. I was a bit taken back by the contrast of Julie’s strict order with the tenderness that had preceded it, almost like a sudden change in the weather you didn’t see coming. But by now my response was automatic when I heard the word “down.” I bent over and presented my ass to my two tyrannical goddesses, with no hesitation but with a generous helping of innocence despoiled. Julie slowly withdrew the plug from my ass. “Wow,” she said, delight dancing in her voice. “Look at that perfect circle.” “He’s definitely ready,” Mona said. I felt a soft breeze on my open anus as Julie bent over and blew on it. It felt sweet, and I closed my eyes to luxuriate in the feeling. Then it stopped and I felt Julie applying a cold blob of lube to my anus and then pushing in deep with two fingers. “He’s so wide open,” she said. “I love it.” I turned my head to look at this confounding creature who told me she loved me one minute and then admired my gaping asshole the next.

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